Tasty Fugitive Caught, Eaten

Rockford, IL-- A nationwide manhunt came to a tragic end this morning as notoriously delicious Orlando Lebkuchen popularly know as the "Gingerbread Man" was found dead, a result of what police surmise to be a gang-related execution. Lebkuchen, 25, was a native of Rockford and attended Rockford East High School for two years. Neighborhood residents say that as early as age 6 he was already a runner for the neighborhood's spice dealers. Neighbor Lucille Johnson remembers, "You always knew when he was around [because] he smelled real good! I tell them to get that baby off the street, but, you know, they liked him [because] he was so fast!" Lebkuchen's ability to evade police and rival dealers became legendary. His signature aroma and peppermint buttons led him to be dubbed, "The Gingerbread Man".

Following a conviction in 2002 for possession of 40 kg of nutmeg and weapons charges, Lebkuchen began his life on the lam, working for a time at the Keebler factory in Milwaukee and for a Pepperidge Farm distributorship in Alabama. Madison police would often receive missives from the fugitive sprinkled with cinnamon with the words, "You can't catch me! I'm the Gingerbread Man" scrawled in chocolate. Carjackings and armed Buddy Squirrel robberies led to arrest warrants throughout the South and Midwest, caused the FBI to become involved in 2005.

In May 2007, Lebkuchen's aunt had become diagnosed with a rare form of oral cancer. Police were kept on high alert for his possible reappearance.

Early this morning, a man walking his dog on East Washington Avenue happened upon what appeared to be a body partially dismembered and stuffed in a plastic bag. Authorities identified the body as that of Lebkuchen. The cause of death has yet to be determined. There is speculation that Lebkuchen was killed by rival gang members for still unsolved 2001 rolling-pin bludgeoning of Anton "Teddygraham" Ramirez.