An American in America

I made it through another winter! I went to the gym until my sciatica started acting up, paid down my debt ($2000 more to go!), grew my hair long, took naughty pictures and decided to move in with my boyfriend.

Happy New Year! (Well, soon, I hope)

I decided to hibernate for the winter. Because it is truly, truly awful here. There is snow EVERYWHERE and my nose hairs freeze as soon as I go outside. I can't walk anywhere... the sidewalks are all ice and punctuated by 4 foot snowbanks that I have to CLIMB over. Literal- fucking-HOISTING of my person.

In order to make it all bearable,I had decided to cocoon myself until the snow melts. My life has been down right ascetic since Thanksgiving: strict budgeting, nose-to-the-grindstone working, healthful eating, cleaning, circadian-rhythm keeping.

I haven't been to a bar in 3 months. I've taken up knitting. I make lists. I dust. I save.

Well, okay, maybe "ascetic" is exactly the right word. But I consider regular indulging in and of my boyfriend to be vital to my physical and spiritual health.

I want Spring to hurry up so I can show off my shiny new self. And to walk wherever my feet want to take me.

Tasty Fugitive Caught, Eaten

Rockford, IL-- A nationwide manhunt came to a tragic end this morning as notoriously delicious Orlando Lebkuchen popularly know as the "Gingerbread Man" was found dead, a result of what police surmise to be a gang-related execution. Lebkuchen, 25, was a native of Rockford and attended Rockford East High School for two years. Neighborhood residents say that as early as age 6 he was already a runner for the neighborhood's spice dealers. Neighbor Lucille Johnson remembers, "You always knew when he was around [because] he smelled real good! I tell them to get that baby off the street, but, you know, they liked him [because] he was so fast!" Lebkuchen's ability to evade police and rival dealers became legendary. His signature aroma and peppermint buttons led him to be dubbed, "The Gingerbread Man".

Following a conviction in 2002 for possession of 40 kg of nutmeg and weapons charges, Lebkuchen began his life on the lam, working for a time at the Keebler factory in Milwaukee and for a Pepperidge Farm distributorship in Alabama. Madison police would often receive missives from the fugitive sprinkled with cinnamon with the words, "You can't catch me! I'm the Gingerbread Man" scrawled in chocolate. Carjackings and armed Buddy Squirrel robberies led to arrest warrants throughout the South and Midwest, caused the FBI to become involved in 2005.

In May 2007, Lebkuchen's aunt had become diagnosed with a rare form of oral cancer. Police were kept on high alert for his possible reappearance.

Early this morning, a man walking his dog on East Washington Avenue happened upon what appeared to be a body partially dismembered and stuffed in a plastic bag. Authorities identified the body as that of Lebkuchen. The cause of death has yet to be determined. There is speculation that Lebkuchen was killed by rival gang members for still unsolved 2001 rolling-pin bludgeoning of Anton "Teddygraham" Ramirez.

Times Square 1970

JOAN OF ARC - OMD

Beauty Walks a Razor's Edge...

Okay, by now, we've all seen the Mickey Rourke mugshot. Yes, the star of 9 1/2 Weeks is old and crazy looking. But...
1. That's a mugshot, and you're not supposed to be cute. You just got ARRESTED and are IN JAIL! And most crimes do not mandate one get gussied up first.
2. That's hardly the most offensive photo of M. Rourke I have ever seen. His cheeky smile and Count von Count grooming is even the tiniest bit alluring.
3. Let us now judge what people do when they, ostensibly, are trying their best to look attractive. (see left.)

Now, one can say, "Mickey never really wanted to be an actor, much less a movie star that would be lauded more for his scorching sex appeal than his acting. He was a boxer and fighters ain't pretty!" No they ain't, but fighters don't get facelifts either! And what the hell happened to his eyebrows? And, fucking Lord, a bolo tie?

Add to that wife beating, tea cups chihuahuas, drug abuse and, friends, we have a stunning example of how beauty is only skin deep... and oh so fleeting. Mickey Rourke supports my thesis that plastic surgery is a losing battle against a grimy soul.

Litigationz of a Ridah